I should be writing a 20-page ebook about something that has nothing to do with medicine.

Before that, I really should be creating exam questions. 10 items on a topic which I gave for the first time ever, in a subject I’ve never taught before. 10 more items on a topic I’ve never lectured on which I haven’t fully read up on.

It’s 1 am. I’ve only slept 5 hours since Sunday morning.

So much work. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Is it just for the money; the day to day grind that we need to undertake so we can expect to put something in our wallets every 2 weeks or so?

Is it prestige, that we may be known for some minuscule achievement at the workplace, at home, or within our social circles?

Is it some altruistic, suicidal sense of responsibility; something that is separated from a pathologic workaholism by a very thin line?

If you’re reading this and you figure it out, please let me know. I’ll still be up.

Everything is laid bare to the person that they love, not that they wouldn’t have done it before. But what makes a wedding proposal special is the vulnerability of the guy. Even if it’s not a public event, even if it’s kept really small, down to just him and her; the proposal is one of the very few events in a guy’s life when all shields are down, all masks are off, and all the cards are on the table. Weeks, months, and even years spent of a life tied to another is laid out for a few seconds appraisal by one person, with judgement handed down in one word.

Why do I find this tear-worthy? I don’t know. I have never been afraid of openness or vulnerability.  Nor am I one of those dreamers who feel that, “I wish I can do that soon.” I enjoy being single. I would trade it for a meaningful relationship, that’s true, but it doesn’t mean I’m not making the most of my bachelorhood.  I guess the real reason behind me being a sucker for wedding proposals still escapes me.

Maybe you know.

I was lost.

I was moving from the comforts of a life I’d become comfortable with and loved very much.  It’s hard to get kicked out of one’s comfortable existence.  It’s even harder to have to kick yourself out of it as well.  But one cannot deny the cycles of this life.  Beginnings and endings are separated by minutes, hours, days, weeks, years, and sometimes lifetimes.

I found myself waiting.  And in the end, I was waiting for nothing, and something.  And some things have proven to be blessings of unaccountable worth.  And I found myself looking at the immeasurable love of God.

And I never really went anywhere.

This summer…

I’m still (kinda) lost.  Who never gets lost, anyway?

I still find myself moving, since I’m still finding my place in this new life.  One cannot deny the challenge of finding your place, but taking up challenges has always been a theme in my life.  I feel alive, blessed and loved.  And I am thankful to God, and I say, “Bring it on!” Maybe I’m in the middle of this new cycle, and I’m still looking at the start of new things ahead.

I’m still waiting.  God makes you wait for the good things, because it’s only then can you really appreciate the graces He gives you.  My only assurance is that because I wait for Him, there will be no waiting for nothing, because there will always be something.

And I finally got to go out of town, if only a few days.  Still looking forward to the beach!

So am I going to give you the real scoop about what happened?  Nah!  My friends and acquaintances have too much fun recalling the different funny aspects of the story, parts of it thrown into magnification like a reflection in a carnival House of Mirrors, always one aspect blown up into humorous context.

One funny anecdote shared now and then is how my intern friend found herself monitoring THIS pay patient in the recovery room.  Now, general anesthesia is a wondrous thing.  One minute I was lying on the table wearing a mask.  Next minute, I was in the RR.  A few minutes later, I was going up.

You know who invented time travel?  Anesthesiologists.

Apparently, the operation to reset the bones in my left arm (one of which had decided to take a peek at the outside world) had taken a few hours, my stay in the RR a few more hours, and between that time I first woke up to the time I felt I was going up another few hours.  And in those few hours, I had managed to thoroughly embarrass myself by ranting all that time.  I have no idea what I said.  No one ever really told me what I had said exactly.  I think the entertainment factor of it all stems from hearing a delirious guy spewing English invectives and rants in a room of semi-stuporous people.

Truth serum?  Anesthesiologists are responsible for that, too.

Yes.  General anesthesia is a wondrous thing.  No pain, makes the time fly, totally makes you forget that you ever went through your controlled trauma.  Sometimes that state seems enviable.  GA for your everyday life: no pain from disappointing relationships, fast forward through all those frustrating moments, forget all those traumatic fragments of life inflicted on you by this cruel world.  Who wouldn’t want that?

But if you stop to think about it… if you never show your basest, truest self to anyone during those vulnerable moments, when everything is really all just hanging out there for everyone to see… how can you ever really heal?  How can you ever really get better?

Maybe it’s better if you save the isoflurane for the OR.  Bear that pain a little longer, rant away when appropriate (preferably when someone who cares is listening), and keep those precious seconds, minutes, and hours of life close at hand.  You can never really get those moments back.  Time travel sucks anyway.  And if you ever do find yourself waking up from a trance in life, just make sure to check all your bits and pieces are still in place and where they should be.

Sure you can read me here, but you can also listen to me on the radio. I’m guesting on my friends Jada and Eri’s show STUCK, every Wednesday 7-8 PM. Their show is on M-F 6-9 PM.

This is also going to be my intro post to He@T Wave prior to joining The Blog Rounds: Blogging Through Medicine and Beyond! It’s a cool blog carnival for medical professionals in all fields of practice and interest. I hope to provide a new flavah to the shizzle!

See you around and keep tuned in!